I'm back

Bismillah
It has been a long time since I have been willing or able to update my blog, but I decided that for the new year I would be much more consistent. It is really hard when you have so much to say but really have no idea how to express yourself and more importantly feel like there's no one out there interested in hearing what you have to say. I have come to the realization that people do not like to hear truth, or someone else's version of the truth. It hurts too much and when confronted with it, people run away. It is truly a testament of a true friendship/good relationship that when someone says something the other doesn't really want to hear, you still remain friends. (I hope that made sense). I have experienced, in the not so distant past, the loss of friends. For someone as sensitive and emotional as I am, this has been a shock to my system. I really have a hard time with the idea of someone not liking me. Not because I am vain, that truly is not the reason. It is because, no matter who you are, I give my all to that relationship. Everything I have. I overlook slights and insults, I praise even when not necessary, I do a lot... all because I feel like everyone should be happy. And I want to do what I can to make people happy. So for someone to then turn around and avoid me, ignore me, not invite me to their wedding after saying I am like a sister to her, to backbite me, and the list goes on... that hurts so much. I was told by someone that sometimes people do things not realizing the amount of hurt they are causing to the other person. I don't really believe that. I think that in excluding people from social situations where invitations are necessary, people absolutely know that there will be people hurt. What they have decide is who is it that they don't care if they are hurting. Apparently, certain people don't care that they are hurting me.
I have struggled with the idea that I must change the way I am with people. Stop being so nice and caring. Stop giving my all. But I don't know how to do that without going too far. I don't want to be a bitch. I just don't want to have my feelings stomped on anymore. So this year will be a struggle for me. I am withdrawing from certain situations. I wont be the same Hawwah who goes up to everyone at the masjid or park to say Salaam anymore. People want to talk to me, they have to come to me. We'll see how this goes. InshaAllah