Reflection

I recently ended a friendship with someone who, technically, I was pretty close too. Throughout the course of our friendship, it occurred to me, frequently, that it was one that was disjointed; dysfunctional. She leaned on my a lot for support during her divorce. At first, I thought that it was because I was genuinely giving good advice and sharing my limited knowledge of women's rights in Islam. What I knew, I shared and what I didn't know about, I inquired on her behalf. I was her advocate. I realized, with the help of a truly good friend, that in reality "she" was turning to me because of my fierceness. Because, when it came to her ex and others that she was having issues with, I was her defender. I said things to her that she wanted to hear and made her feel validated. Nothing wrong with that, right? I never lied or said anything that I didn't think was correct. But the problem was that it was one sided. And a friendship that is one sided is not a friendship at all. In all the time that I knew her, I kept it real. Yes, I was a fierce defender, but I also didn't agree with her a lot. I spoke my mind. I was blunt. PERIOD. It came to the point that she was offended that I didn't agree with her regarding the way she and her kids treated their step mom. Funny thing in all of this is that as her friend I was supposed to "sympathize with her because she is their mother", but as my friend she couldn't remember that I AM a step mother and have experienced many of the B.S. that her kids step mother was enduring. The least that she could have done was to keep it to herself and confided in someone else about that. But in her opinion, as her champion defender, I was supposed to put my experience and situation aside. I don't think so. She also manifested herself to have a very racist attitude. You know, one of those people who think that because they have a Black friend, they can say racists things? Can't stand that. There were so many other issues, too. Thus ends that chapter of my life. I will not let anyone diminish what I have gone through and the feelings that I have about them. I don't care if it's my situation or not. Right is right. Wrong is wrong. I am not going to condone bad action. I have to honestly say, I do not miss her. That really says a lot.

I hate being stuck

I am feeling incredibly lost lately; and very frustrated. I feel like I am stuck in my mind and dying to burst out. This whole thing with trying to lose weight has to be one of the most frustrating things I have ever done in my life. It is such a slow and painful process that I feel like breaking down and crying at any given moment. I try to stay focused on my goals and to be strong. I have been trying to keep my mind off of things by trying different hobbies such as sketching and drawing and also writing. But often I find myself obsessing over the pounds that I haven't lost yet. They say that women have a biological clock that is ticking, ticking away. I never really paid that any mind until recently. I can literally hear the ticking in my ears as each day comes closer to my next birthday. Don't get me wrong; I'm no longer at a point where I have this desperation to get pregnant. I want it, it's just not as desperate as before. However, I feel like I am more and more becoming aware of my age. And not in the way that all of us women are aware of it, but the type of awareness that one gains when you've realized just how much time has been wasted doing nothing. I feel very sad. I just want to get to the point where I can finally feel healthy and happy and not always have to feel heavy and in pain.

On top of the weight loss drama, there is always drama at home. I really don't know why it seems that with each passing year, things get harder in this situation. I am really disappointed in this girl right now. We just caught her in a huge lie and to be honest, I really don't know where to go from here. I feel so much anger toward her mother because this is stuff that we should all be working together to take care of but because she seems to have the mind of a child herself, it's impossible. Why do I always have to be the bad guy? Why do I have to be the disciplinarian? And I do too, because if I didn't do anything about what is going on, it would be dealt with inappropriately and then ignored. I don't get it either. We give her everything that we are able to more than most kids, and she is so unappreciative. I know that all kids do stuff and all families go through stuff, but at this age? It's so frustrating.

Anyway, inshaAllah it will all work out. I just have to remember to trust in God always and turn to Him regarding all of this, and if it is His will, it will be done. Duas please.