Yadda Yadda Yadda

What's up peeps! It's been awhile but there really isn't much to say when life is so frustrating and appears that nothing will get better. It sucks to not be able to catch a break. Anyway, let's see what's going on with me? The anniversary of my father's death passed. That was hard. I became obsessed with the Royal Family after watching Will and Kate's wedding. I think I'm getting over that. OH and the big news: Usama Bin Laden is dead. Don't really know what to say about that except Inni lillahi wa inna ilayhi Rajioon. (From Allah we come to Allah we return!)
I've been working out but not as consistently as I should. I will get back and go hard but I'm trying to not push it too much because I have been hurting myself and that's not cool. Well, that is pretty much all. Peace out! Dua's please.

Update: March 29th, 2011

We went walking at Udall Park tonight. The little one's came too. Alhamdulillah, the weather was very nice and the atmosphere was great. There were so many people out tonight. I have no idea why that is so important to me. I just feel alive and I feel happy seeing so many people out and about. I pushed myself pretty hard to walk at a fast pace and to do the four laps (almost 3 miles) around that we made our goal. It was painful after last nights workout but I did it, Alhamdulillah. My goal is to still be able to start running soon. I really should be at that point already but I got off track when we stopped walking around Mahmoud's job parking lot. I think we just got bored with doing that but I am grateful to have a friend like BG who is motivating me to walk with her. InshaAllah we continue with this and begin to see progress soon. I do know that I am making progress, but I am beginning to get impatient and like a typical impatient human being I want what I want now. I need to constantly remind myself that everything is according to Allah's plan and not my own and the best I can do is try hard and make dua. Du'as please.

Update March 28th, 2011

Today was a good workout day, Alhamdulillah! I went walking with BG and MacAttack and we did almost 2 miles. The new track that we are walking at is at Udall park and rather than being a straight 3 miles like at Reid Park, we have to walk around several times to match that. I really love walking at that park because of the scenery and the activity there which I love to see, so that is an advantage to changing parks. Also, it is closer to our area of town, so we don't have to travel so far just to get a walk in. The disadvantage is that it is easier to get out of walking the full 3 miles like we were able to at Reid Park. See, with Reid Park, there was no option, once we started walking we HAD to complete it to get back to the car, no excuses or short cuts. This park, the car is in full view and it is easy to say "I am tired, lets stop". We gotta definitely work to keep up the motivation here. So we've been pretty much doing the walking about 3 to 4 times a week. Also, I did the Ultimate Cardio workout from the firm two days ago and just finished Turbo Jam Cardio Party 1 today. I am so determined to get this stomach down. I hate seeing it when I look down. I look pregnant and I don't want to look pregnant unless I am pregnant. Anyway, that's my update. Be back soon, inshaAllah. Du'as please. :)

I initially started this blog to share my experiences living in this Tucson desert as a stepmother and wife. I have, for some reason, been very reluctant to start this but I am planning on doing so soon. But to start off, let me describe my situation.
I am a 33 year old woman. I was born in Philadelphia, PA to Asim and Yasmin Abdullah. My father was brutally murdered when I was just 5 years old. This is a loss that no matter how old I get, I never seem to get over. My parents were divorced and my mother remarried at the time of my father's death so I never went through the whole "You're replacing my dad, I hate you, you're not my father phase". At least I don't think I did. I really don't remember my childhood. I think that it is because of my father's death and the brutality that I endured during my childhood. Whenever someone says something like, "I remember when I was five...", I always assume that they are exaggerating and can't possibly remember that far back. I think that they are simply having memories based on stories that older family members retell. But so many people do it, so I think it really is something about me.
We moved around a lot when I was a child. From Philly to Phoenix to Houston to Philly to Williamsport to Avondale by the age of 11 where I stayed until I graduated high school. In my childhood, my mother divorced and remarried and divorced again. They were both not very nice men. Some would even call them evil. I also had several "step mothers" due to the fact that my mother was in polygany (polygamy) and her second husband had 3 wives at one time at one point. One of them was very mean to my Mom's children, along with their husband. Because of the way I was treated as a kid, I knew that I would never treat a child in a bad way, ever, if I even decided to have any. I never even considered that I would have step kids and if I did, I knew that I would never have the type of situation that my mother and her children endured. Never did I imagine just how hard living the life that I choose would be. It really is true to that some things are easier said than done.

WTF

So, apparently the last time I shared my thoughts was on March 7th. I really don't have any excuses as to why that is but I am back and ready.

To be honest, I really don't know what is going on with me. It really is the same old story: I have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all. Cleaning, working out, blogging, you name it, I don't do it. I have a pretty boring life, so it is not like I am super busy or something. I really should have an immaculate home and I really should have lost a good amount of weight by this point with all the time I have but nope. I sleep, and play Facebook games all day. Oh and I just started watching the stupid soaps again. Hell, I should have completed reading the Quran, in Arabic, several times over already! So what the heck is going on?! Am I depressed? I don't want to think that I am but I really need to face the facts and admit that it is possible. I know one thing for sure though. I am so lonely. Yes, I have my husband and stepdaughter, but I think that right now, they are not enough for me. I really want to be around my Mom and siblings. I miss them so much. I know I need to visit them but I am scared of flying, 1) for the obvious reasons like the plane may fall from the sky and the fear of heights thing and 2.) because I am a Muslim woman and there is just too damn much profiling going on right now and I don't know how I will handle being without my husband if something were to happen. Hopefully, I can figure something out soon, cause I am going nuts without my family.
On a good note, while I haven't been very consistent with doing my at home workouts, I have been going walking with BG. It is getting much easier and the hubby has even started to come along which is awesome because I feel much safer out there at night when he is with us.(SN: I find it hilarious that I don't like being anywhere without my husband so that he can protect me if something were to happen, but when it seems like something is going down I get scared that he will do something. A topic to explore another time I guess).
My goal for the next two weeks is to be more consistent with my at home workouts and still keep my commitment with walking with BG. I plan to workout everyday but Sunday for the next fourteen days at home at a reasonable time and to still go for the 3 mile walk at the park. And also to be more consistent with writing about it because I notice that when I share what I am doing, I am more motivated to keep it up. So inshaAllah, we shall see. Duas please. :)

Update 03/07/11

I did pretty good yesterday, if I do say so myself. I worked out at reasonable times rather than in the wee hours of the morning. Although, why I am up right now writing this still escapes reason for me. I did the Ultimate Calorie Blast from the The Firm at about 8:30 am. I really felt like total crap during the entire workout, but I pushed through it and completed about 90 percent of the total workout. In the evening, Hubby and I went with "Big G" to Reid park and walked for about an hour and half. According to the step counter thingy, we walked over seven thousand steps. I used a counter and Hubby used one and they were different by about 100 steps but both indicated over seven thousand so I was ecstatic. According to what I have found, walking about 2000 steps equals walking approximately one mile, so we walked over 3 miles! That is so awesome for me. And to top it off, I really felt good during the walk. I don't know if it is because of the company of "Big G" and our conversation, but I really didn't feel like I was doing some sort of chore like I sometimes feel when I am working out here at home. I used to love the idea of only working out in the house and would never consider that I would feel comfortable leaving the house in order to exercise, but now that I have I think my position will change. But never alone though. If I workout outside, I definitely have to have some company.
Change of topic: I really love my husband. So much. He surprised me with a gift yesterday. He never really does that because we are always so strapped for extra money and because I tend to be hard to buy for, so when he gave me the gift I was so excited and surprised. It was one of the lotion/spray perfume sets and it smells so good. He really did a good job and I am happy to realize that after almost 11 years of marriage this dude is really starting to figure me out. :)
Okay, that's all for now. I hope to be back again to soon for more updates and ramblings. In the meantime, Du'as (prayers) please.

I worked out last night, really in the early morning around midnight. I can't seem to get the motivation in me to workout during the daylight hours. I have no idea why. In fact, I am getting ready to do my workout again right now and it is going on 11 pm.

I am so frustrated with myself right now. I am now a terribly busy person. I do not have a house full of children. I do not have a job. I don't have an active social life. So why is it that I can't find the time to thoroughly clean my home (it's not filthy though, so don't get any ideas about that), or workout at reasonable hours, or even work consistently enough with livework of ChaCha in order to get a decent paycheck? This is getting ridiculous! The problem is I do not know how to change it at all. OK, now that I have vented, I am off to do my late night workout and try to go to bed. Peace out all, and du'as please.

another update

I know, I am so terrible at this keeping a blog thing. But I am trying. So here's my update for the past couple of days. I went for a looooooong walk around Reid park on Friday night with my girl, her friend and her friend's mother, who is becoming a friend. I really like her a lot too, even though we are so very different. For one thing, she is Christian and very religious and I am Muslim and very religious. For some reason though, I feel very comfortable with her. I guess it shouldn't be so much of a surprise considering we are both Black women from the East Coast. Another thing is that she is probably ten years older than I am and she is not a step parent, but I think because she grew up with a step mother, she seems to have some sort of understanding about our situation. Anyway, back to the workout. We walked probably about 3 or 4 miles. I am convinced of it. My body was telling me that we walked ten miles, but realistically I think less than 4. I am trying to find information for the park that says how may miles are around the track so I can be more accurate. I was in so much pain the next day from that walk, so now I am convinced that when hubby and I walk, we are not walking as far as we thought, cause I never felt that much pain after our walks. Time to step it up I guess. So, we made plans to do this every Friday or at least once a week. I hope we stick to it, because it was nice to walk with the girls.
Today, Sunday, I got my "vacation", so I am fatigued. But since I can't sleep I decided to do a workout since my pain kept me from doing anything on Saturday. It sucked. My knee hurts so much still from Friday, but I pushed through it. I am really going to try to stay more focused because my walking buddy really noticed my weight loss and it is nice to know that others can tell. Ultimately I am doing this for myself, but it is always nice to have the compliments. Okay, off to bed. I'm beat! Du'as please.

update

Ok, so I didn't workout yesterday but I did workout the day before. I did the Turbo Jam Cardio Party 1 and also Ab Jam. It sucked, again. But I felt good afterward and that is what is important to me. I will be working out again this evening, inshaAllah and will update after. Du'as please.

Hurt

I am feeling a little on the frustrated side this evening. I really hate finding out bad things that happen to my little girl. As hard as I think I am with her, I have so much love in my heart for her that it makes me physically ill to think that she is hurting or embarrassed about something, or having a bad day, or anything like that. That being said, most moms can just say something or do something or make decisions that will keep their child from harm of any kind. But I can't do that; because I'm just the step-mom. And because the birth mom is one of the people causing harm to my child. How do I protect her from that? How do I give her a sense of security when no matter what happens in life, that is her mom and she will always gravitate to her. Which is natural. And that is my sorrow. That no matter how much this woman hurts this girl, no matter how many times she calls her ugly (or insinuate that she is ugly), no matter how many times she flips out on her, no matter how many times she tells this child that she wishes she had a different daughter, no matter what, she will always love her mom. Which she should. She should love her mom, I just wish that her mom would love her too. And if she truly does the way she claims and the way it is assumed, then she really should stop mentally abusing this girl. One of the worst parts about this situation: I cannot do anything about it. I will just look like the jealous evil step mom. How sad. :( Du'as please.
P.S. I didn't workout tonight. I am too tired and frustrated and I think I will just go to bed.

2nd update

Oh yeah, I did my workout last night and was pretty good about how much I ate. I did The Firm: Ultimate Calorie Blaster and it kicked my butt. Wow, I cannot wait until I really start to see the results. I can honestly say that right now, I feel really good. With the weight that I have lost already, I see changes. People may not really be able to tell that I have lost weight but the scale knows :) and I know. I am surprised at how motivated I am right now. I pray that this doesn't go away because I have lived this way for far too long and I am not willing to do it anymore. I pray to Allah for success. Okay, off to eat dinner and prepare for another workout. Du'as please.

I am amazed at the blase atmosphere that is surrounding the protests in Libya. With the Tunisians and the Egyptians you could feel the electricity, almost as if you were there, protesting alongside the people. Especially for me with the situation in Egypt. I assume it is because my sister and her children are there and so there is a personal connection but I would like to think that it is because of the fact that I care about what happens to fellow human beings, fellow Muslims. I notice that even on Facebook, there is a difference. Before Mubarak stepped down, you couldn't open Facebook without seeing a reminder about what is going on over there. But things are calming down now for them, I guess, and other countries in the region are inspired but what happened there and want the same for themselves. It seems, though, that it won't happen. Where is the support for them? Where are the "We are Libyan, too!" chants? I pray that Allah will allow these people to be able to demand their rights that are entitled to them. We all need to remember the people who are suffering in our du'as.

I'm back! Well, I did my second workout today. I did the Firm Aerobic body shaping workout, which I have to say is getting easier every time I do it. Combined with the Turbo Jam Cardio Party Mix 1 workout I burned around 1650 calories today total. Hopefully those numbers are correct. I am relying on an online calories burned calculator until I can afford to get one of those counters from Walmart or something. Off to bed now. I'll post again tomorrow, inshaAllah. Du'as please. :)

Ouch!

Okay, So I completed my morning workout. Not so sore today, but feeling fatigued. Have to figure out how to eat right and then I think I will not feel so bad during my workouts, because I feel so weak while doing them. I do feel good afterward so I guess that is a positive thing. Du'a please.

Weight loss experiment

I have been over weight all of my life. I am going to change that now. I have lost a total of twenty-seven pounds so far. I will lose another 115 pounds. I will do this by January 1st 2012. Pray for me. InshaAllah.

hoo hum

I am really frustrated with the fact that I am 33 years old and seem to have no direction with my life. I don't even think that I have any skills to be proud of. I have friends and family who are so talented. Taminah the Artist. My Mom the writer. Ayesha, Juwariyah, Raiyanah the Moms. What the heck am I?!